Blog Wars

I was born late in 1996. By the time that I was listening to rap, it was some time around 2010 or 2011. I can’t remember exactly when, I just know Mac Miller was a big deal at the time. It was weird and we should all be embarrassed. My point in this is that I missed all the good rap feuds. Eminem was barely on drugs by the time I was paying attention, 50 Cent was fairly docile, and everyone else who liked to start trouble was dead. Rappers are all friends with each other these days, and it makes me sad that I wasn’t around for all the fun. I would go back and listen to the diss tracks and it just wasn’t the same.

It’s important to have some drama in your life, and even if I couldn’t find it in hip hop I knew I would find it elsewhere. Celebrity divorces have always been a good time. But the best of the best when it comes to beef that I can sit back and observe is definitely blog wars. When two blogs go to the mattresses and just publish hit pieces on each other I get a rush that I think must be what doing heroin is like. There’s just something about people who make jokes on the Internet for a living nonstop chirping each other for a few days. Barstool has defined what it means to be good at a blog war, crippling its opponents every time. No one does it better. I look up to their ability to put lesser blogs in their place.

That being said, I feel like a solid blog war is an important step on my way towards taking over the World Wide Web. Dwight Eisenhower got to rule the world because he was good at war. It’s a time tested model that has been going on for all of time: if you do good in a war, you get to rule everything. It’s a well established means to the overall end of being in charge.

That is why I’m putting my contributors through very tough training. I’m honing them to be ruthless soldiers in my inevitable blog wars, merciless keyboard warriors. They will take no prisoners and I will rule the Internet with an iron fist.

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