I Will Marry into Baseball


Alright, so I am not good at sports. Just not good. Can’t play. I have a decent free throw, and I will school almost anyone in a game of one-on-one, but besides those benign basketball skills, I am garbage at sports. This is kinda upsetting because like most decent Americans, I care more about my favorite teams than I do most people. I would skip my own wedding if it was scheduled for the same day as a Celtics Finals game 7. It’s all part of being a normal American man. That’s what makes being bad at sports sad. Guys who are bad at sports are usually assumed to not like them, and I look ridiculous. That’s part of why I can’t wait to get fat and bald, then no one will expect me to try and play sports. It’s gonna be great.

Back to my point though. I’m bad at sports, but want to be around it as much as possible. I guess that makes me a hanger on, but hey, even Turtle gets laid in Entourage. Being a hanger on is only bad when you’re not one. I see no problem with getting the benefits of famous people without having to do the work. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar and probably an all-around bad person.

That being said, if I have to pick which sport to hang on to, I pick baseball. They’re not big, flashy assholes like basketball and football, but they’re famous, unlike hockey. Baseball guys have fun personalities. They just seem like a good time to hangout with. I want to be around that for life.

However, my friends are all bloggers and not baseball players, so I can’t go the Turtle route and just ride on one of my buddies’ coattails. I also do not want to marry a man, and I’m not aware of any openly gay MLB players, so that’s not a viable route either. I’m gonna have to be more creative than that.

I’m going to have to marry a retired baseball player’s daughter. My only hope to become an MLB hanger on is to marry some guy’s daughter. I did some research and Brad Ausmus, the current manager of the Tigers and former backup catcher for just about every team in the league, has a daughter who’s about my age. I can work with that. If anyone knows her, point her in my direction. I’ll even take her last name if I have to.

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