Johnny Manziel is the New Macaulay Culkin

Usually it takes at least a solid ten years of complete and utter irrelevance for a former celebrity to reach the point that Johnny Football is at right now. However, Manziel has transitioned seamlessly from being the poster boy for America to a weird drug addict. Have you seen him recently? Like actually looked at a picture of his face?


That is what Johnny Manziel looks like in the most recent photo I could find of him. A photo taken hours before punching a dude in the face at a rehearsal dinner. I’m not here to knock him for punching this dude, I’m not a hater. I get that tensions can get really high, and people can be douchebags sometimes, and when you’re a drug addict that you might end up punching that person. He released an apology letter, which I have not read because I could honestly not care less about why he punched some dude no one’s ever heard of. I also don’t care about how bad he feels.

No, I’m not here just to make fun of the man. I’m here as a concerned fan. I loved everything about Johnny Football when he was with A&M. I loved that Johnny. That’s when he really was Johnny Football. He was nothing but touch downs, dressing like Scooby Doo, and being what every guy wishes they could be. When he got drafted, I bought a Cleveland Browns shirt with his name on it, despite how much I hate the city of Cleveland. But now, he’s less Johnny Football and more Johnny Cocaine. Look at his face. It’s so much thinner than his face was last year even. He went from being the poster boy for America to a walking advertisement for a methadone clinic.

And just as a side note, when I say poster boy for America I don’t mean wholesome, good influence, married to his high school sweetheart that most people think of as an all-American type of guy. There was never anything Norman Rockwell about him. Instead, he was the poster boy for what Americans actually want to be: he was really good at sports and capitalized on it. Without football, he would have just been a slightly below average looking guy, probably in a mid-tier fraternity. Maybe he still would have been a good time. But with football, he dated some absolute bombshells, partied harder than I thought D1 players had time for, and won a Heisman. He could have kept riding that train and been golden, but he took it too far. And pretty soon, he’ll be this:


And nobody wants to be that.

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