McDonald’s is Expanding Size of New HQ


Apparently McDonald’s is building a giant new head quarters in Chicago. That seems to be a completely random city, but it makes sense when you consider how fat everyone in the Midwest is. McDonald’s should be right at home. Usually, there’s nothing interesting about McDonald’s building a new head quarters. Like, I don’t understand why shit like that even makes the news. The only thing noteworthy about this is that, before they even start building it, Mickey D’s has already sought (and got) approval to make their new HQ even bigger than it was already going to be.

According to the Chicago Tribune, it’s now going to be two nine story tall buildings, adding up to 608,000 square feet. I have no idea how big that actually is and can in no way picture it in my head, but it sounds freaking huge. That just sounds like a whole lot of square feet.

This is clearly foreshadowing. Just like how they’ve made a building bigger before actually making the building, they’re soon going to figure out a way to make people bigger before they’re even born. I’m talking about making fetuses fat. They want to make embryos’ bellies grow. It’s obvious.

I know people will say, “but Aiden! What about the apple slices? And the yogurt? Clearly they’re trying to help cut down on obesity!” You know what I say to that? Bull shit! You people are sheep! McDonald’s wants people to be fat so bad.

Now, I can’t confirm any of this (yet) but I think I know why they’re fattening us up like an Italian chick as soon as her wedding is over. McDonald’s is definitely secretly the owner of Rascal Scooters. They’re trying to get us all so fat that we can’t walk just so they can turn around and sell us their Rascals. Totally not an ok move, probably illegal.

We’re on to you, McDonald’s. Stay woke.

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