Opinion: Nicholas Sparks

It’s 2016, and I don’t think we can kid ourselves about the Nicholas Sparks anymore. Because I have girlfriend, I was subjected to the latest 90 minute eye-roll, “The Choice.” In this one, you get to watch some Southern guy use his charm to make some much younger and inexplicably attractive woman cheat on her nice doctor husband. What kind of message is this sending out to women? What makes it even worse is that I’m expected to pay for this crap!

Not to mention he appears to be wearing someone else's skin.
Not to mention he appears to be wearing someone else’s skin.

 

I feel like we have lost all originality in film; Nicholas Sparks can shit out like 11 examples of why a Southern accent is all you need to get laid, er be “happy.” The majority of his stories revolve around some hot chick cheating on her partner for some summer fling (See: The Notebook), or like in “The Longest Ride” when a young talented artist gives up on her dreams and refuses a huge apprenticeship because her hunky cowboy boyfriend said so.

After sitting through this I understood the true meaning of the title.
After sitting through this I understood the true meaning of the title.

 

I mean what the fuck am I wasting this much time and money for, my girlfriend didn’t even particularly like “The Choice!” I have an actual growing fear that Nicholas Sparks plans on warping the young minds of our country to the point where the only thing I’ll be able to do to get a woman is to talk about how much I love my dog, driving my boat, and working with my hands.

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