Wow, I thought it was a bad year to be a Republican (so bad that I stopped being one), but it’s proven to be just as ugly for the Democrats. First, they had some commie twerp pop up pretending to be a nice guy when in reality he is from Vermont, which is only populated by hippies who live in trees and junkies. People felt Berns, first by catching Sanders fever and annoying their Facebook friends with posts about him, then a different burning sensation when they caught VD at the love-ins I imagine they went to, and then the ultimate burn: finding out the DNC actively worked to suppress him.
Debbie Wasserman-Schultz is a woman who has always bothered me, mostly because hearing the name “Debbie” makes me hungry for individually packaged baked snacks. Turns out, she did sketchy things like have rumors that Sanders is an atheist spread around to try and get less people to vote for him. Real sleaze bag move, especially from the party that pretends to be so open and accepting. You’d think the “progressive” Democrats would be fine with Sanders, even if he was a Godless heathen. But no, not only did they make that up, but they also tried to use it against him.
We found out about Debbie’s hijinks when a whole bunch of emails she wrote laying out her sorta evil plots got leaked on Wikileaks. Wikileaks’ Julian Assange is now promising to leak even more emails that he claims will get Hillary Clinton arrested. That’s some heavy artillery on his part, heavier than anything the US government acknowledges they use. I for one am very excited to see what happens next.
What makes all this even better (or worse, if you’re a Democratic Party faithful) is the fact that it’s compounded on top of Clinton’s previous email scandal, in which she mishandled some classified info (like when and where Joe Biden’s surprise birthday party was) on a private server. People were outraged and poor Biden had the surprise ruined for him. He was very sad, because if Joe Biden isn’t a man who loves a surprise party, then no one is. If I’m being honest, I like Biden a lot and really hope he gets his own late night talk show once this VP gig is over, because I full heartedly believe that’s what he was born to do.
Back to the emails. Nothing came of the first scandal, in part because the FBI (who I for one still have some faith in) said that nothing should come of it. But an even bigger reason why nothing came of Hillary’s private server is what she did to distract America from it. I have it on good authority* that Clinton ordered the killing of beloved Harambe the gorilla in order to get all of us plebians to pay attention to something besides her.
The worst part is that it worked. We all forgot that she did something (even though most of us still aren’t 100% sure what that something was) because we were too busy mourning Harambe, may he rest in eternal peace.
Now this begs the question: what is she going to do to distract us now? Harambe was already murdered, so she can’t fall back on that again. If I was a gorilla in a zoo, I’d be real worried right now.
*good authority= I told myself