A 12 YEAR OLD IS GOING TO CORNELL

Please read this article first, or don’t. I don’t really care.

I first saw this article and thought it was a joke, maybe some exaggeration. But NOPE! This 12-year-old is going to Cornell! Sorry to deliver the bad news and have given your parents yet another piece of ammunition with which to destroy your self-esteem and urge you to do better with, but it had to be done.

Unfortunately, he will be living with his parents in Ithaca, so we will not be hearing any crazy stories of Jeremy getting trashed with his roommate, his roommate of course first having to get over the fact that he was sharing a room with a kid who had likely not yet hit puberty. Maybe Jeremy would be the adorable wingman? A coursework-finishing machine that gave his roomie time for other shenanigans? Sadly, we can only dream of the possible sitcom that could’ve been created from this scenario.

Honestly, I’m just writing this article to trash on Cornell, or if we’re going by its true name, CornHell. This super genius kid could probably out-math me in anything, but I’d like to think I have everything else covered. Must be nice to have two aerospace engineers as parents, though.

Anyway, this is definitive proof that CornHell is not deserving of being an Ivy League school. The bar has just been set even lower for this faux-Ivy. Imagine you are an unfortunate graduate of this school and have to admit that yeah, you took classes with a 12-year-old, and the classes that you struggled with were easily mastered by this prodigy. Sad.

CornHell wishes it could be Dartmouth when it grows up. And don’t worry, the full Ivy rankings article is in the works.

Leave a Reply