As those of you who read this blog (hi mom!) know, I was in Canada for the past week. More specifically, because Canada is the second largest country in the world, I was in Montreal. While there, I did tourist stuff with my family, enjoyed some of the cities finest cheap bars, and went to a music festival called Osheaga. These activities brought me in contact with all of the breeds of Canadian the country has to offer, so I took the opportunity to learn about them. I’m like Jane Goodall. I figured out how their societies function, how they live, and their defining characteristics. I am very proud to present my findings to you now.
I would like to start off by mentioning that not all Canadians are the same. There are different types that have all evolved in different ways. There are two major subsections, French and English, but even within these there are diverse breeds. A truly fascinating species, the Canadians.
I will start with the French. There are two breeds here: those who are from Montreal and those who are not. The ones in Montreal are fancy. They cuff their pants, and never seem to wear shorts. Those who are French but not from Montreal are less fancy, coming from notorious slums like Quebec City. All are bound by a single fact: they run around babbling in French, which is a much more annoying language than English. A common misconception about French Canadians, or Les Québécois, as Wikipedia says they call themselves, is that they eat poutine. I can only believe that this is false, because the only people I saw eating poutine were tourists. As a whole, the French of Canada are slightly less annoying versions of the French in France.
English Canadians are different. There are more of them, coming in many different varieties. I will go on order of my favorite to my least favorite.
My favorite breed of Canadian is the type from the east coast. Places like New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, and Prince Edward Island are a lot like people from Maine in that they’re almost Americans. These people seem to like baseball, they don’t have stupid accents, and they’re just all around decent people. Some guy from New Brunswick gave me a couple handfuls of trail mix while I was at Osheaga, so I think that’s what they eat for the most part.
The next least offensive are those from the west coast. They’re also almost like Americans, but more like people from Seattle, I think. I don’t really know much about them. I couldn’t find any in Montreal.
Next comes those from the far north. They’re in the middle mostly because these people don’t exist. I think there’s only about five of them in the wild, and another three in captivity. There’s so few of them that Yukon isn’t even a Provence; it’s still a territory. Really sad when you aren’t even a real Provence and a place called Saskatchewan is. I think these people mostly eat seals and ride reindeer. There are still a lot of First Nations people here, according to Wikipedia, but that’s mostly because the English, the French, and apparently the Russians were too cold to commit atrocities in order to claim this land as their own.
Next comes the Great Plains places, like Alberta and Saskatchewan. These people are okay, nothing special. Edmonton is alright, mostly because I like to play as the Oilers in NHL when I’m bored of playing as the Canadians. Again, I didn’t meet a whole lot of them, mostly because I don’t think there are a whole lot of them.
Now to the worst breed of Canadian. People from Toronto. Fuck Toronto. It’s the fourth biggest city in North America, which is just absurd to me. I have no idea how we let it get that big, but more people live there than in Chicago. My biggest problem with people from Toronto is that they say “eh” like some sort of stereotype, and they are Blue Jays fans. Those are both very annoying. And group that collectively doesn’t dislike Jose Bautista is just irritating. Canada would be a lot better off without Toronto. They eat hamburgers and try their hardest to be like New York, but they can’t even do that right because Montreal has all the culture. I think they have a lot of economy, but so does South Carolina and I don’t like that place either.
Now, I’d just like to say that Mounties are a breed of their own no matter where they’re from. Mounties are awesome, they ride horses and have bright uniforms, all while being badass. I’m so down with Mounties it’s not even funny.