I hang out at Dan’s house pretty often, mostly because he has a puppy and an air conditioner. Usually it’s a decent enough time. His mom usually feeds me, I can steal his soda when he’s not paying attention, and most of the time we’ll watch the Red Sox or something else that matters. Not this week though. Every time I go to Dan’s house he’s making me watch the Olympics. And I just don’t care about them.
Like, don’t get me wrong, I love America and all. But I love it in the right way. I express my love for America by complaining about the government, watching baseball, and begrudgingly paying my taxes. And that’s it. I don’t see the need to do anything more than that. I definitely don’t see the point in getting excited about beating countries I don’t care about in sports I don’t know about. It just seems like a waste of time that could be better spent watching people from countries I have heard of (Japan, Cuba, USA, sometimes Italy) in sports that I care about (baseball, basketball). I feel like not paying attention to the international community is a better expression of my patriotism.
Plus, what’s the deal with things like archery and swimming being shown on TV? I don’t like swimming, both doing it or watching it. I don’t care how good Michael Phelps is. Those aren’t exciting sports. I don’t want to see other people race, or shoot stuff. You know who watches things like racing and shooting? Rednecks. Rednecks love guns and NASCAR. I am not a Redneck. The Olympics are trying to turn me into one.
Those big world sporting events, like the World Cup or the Olympics, are just an excuse to try and teach me geography. But the way I see it, I know that if I drive eight hours south I’m in DC, an hour and a half east I’m in Boston, and two hours west I’m in New York. That’s all the geography I can ever see myself needing. Anything besides those three places, I live a half hour from an airport, so fuck you Olympics, I don’t need to learn where Poland is.