I Would Be The Greatest Olympian

I’m just going to say what I know the world thinks, I would be awesome at the Olympics. Like, there is a decent chance I would be the greatest Olympian ever. Would I find any success in crap like sprinting or swimming? No. Not just no, hell no. I’m not into being an Olympian for the glory. I’m not even in it to just say I’m an Olympian. No, I am a pretend Olympian for the love of country. I compete in non-mainstream sports so that I can condescend about my sports, as if that made me better than the average person.

So, without further ado, these are the Summer Olympic sports that I could definitely compete in if I really wanted to.

Archery– No shit I could do archery. Most people could do archery. I’m pretty sure all you would need is a nice bow, some land to practice, and way more time than most people have. If I started practicing now, I could be an Olympian for years to come in archery, without a doubt.

No excuses, gold medal.


Beach Volleyball– I am from Holyoke, we invented volleyball. I am so unconcerned about actual ability, it’s in my blood. I would figure it out. I have the height you typically look for in volleyball. I am pretty good at serving. I’ve always been an all-around decent player. If I started practicing, and got a partner who could keep up, I have no doubt that I would be a gold medal winner. The only downside is I’d probably have to move to LA, which I’ve never been to, but am pretty sure I hate.

My teammate and I would be gods, gold medal.


Cycling Track– I know how to ride a bike. I have pretty strong legs. No shit I could win a bike race on a flat track. That’s common sense. What’s that you say? I haven’t ridden a bike in years? Yeah, but you never forget how to ride a bike, so that’s no big deal. What I really would excel with in terms of track cycling, is no long distances. It’s no secret I lack stamina. Don’t need to in a short race. It wouldn’t be a contest.

Disaster could happen around any turn, bronze medal.


Handball– I do not know what handball is. That’s just a quick little admission I would like to throw out there. However, I have no doubt I could be a key factor on any Olympic handball team. From what I have found on the internet, it is essentially just water polo on a court. I mean, make it easier for me. With my lanky arms I could be a brilliant defender, and I would never underestimate my offensive ability.

My teammates held me back, miss the podium.


Sailing– If I managed to have the money and time to practice, I would be in Rio right now. However, I am not in Rio right now. This means I need to get to Nantucket and start practicing. I do have a feeling it would be a tad technical, so it might take a while longer for me to get the hang of it. But, I would still be an Olympian in short order.

Probably would forget that I had an event, miss the podium.


Shooting– This is basically just easier archery. This is like if I thought archery was too hard, so I decided “screw it, I’ll just shoot some guns.” I could probably have not even qualified for Rio, had I just sort of showed up and competed. Any American could in shooting quite frankly, that’s a known fact.

Easiest event so far, gold medal.



The following are the Winter Olympic events I would dominate in. Now, I would normally hold off on this for the next winter games, but it’s doubtful that I would ever remember in two years to write this.

Bobsleigh– They just run and hop into the sleigh. I don’t see what could ever be so difficult about this sport. I know you have to steer a little bit, but come on. This is not difficult. No one thinks to do it. With my bit of extra weight, I am 1,000,000,000,000,000% sure we would be a top team at any Winter Olympics.

Disaster, we crash and have to carry our sleigh like in Cool Runnings. However, we were so far ahead that we still find the podium, silver medal.


Curling– No shit. So could literally anyone. I mean literally anyone could make the USA curling team. It’s disgusting that I didn’t make the Sochi team quite frankly.

USA stinks at curling, my team therefore stunk, miss the podium.

Need these pants
Need these pants

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