Thank God I’m not famous. Thank God I get like 40 readers a day on a shitty blog with my friends. Thank God the only person who likes my Facebook posts is my mom. If I was famous, for literally any reason whatsoever, I would be terrified. Every famous anything is dying this year. Our music heroes, our sports heroes, and even our gorilla heroes are all dying left and right. Another tragic death has occurred. This one is on the disturbing side.
At Busch Gardens, there was once a famous flamingo who wowed literally everyone who saw her with her sick dance moves. There is, unfortunately, no longer that flamingo. Pinky, who performed for some prolific crowds in her day, was brutally attacked by some absolute piece of shit on Tuesday. He picked her up and slammed her on the ground, because apparently some people think that it’s fun to beat up animals when they’re drunk. Honestly, this move is more disturbing than Michael Vick’s entire dog fighting ring. As fucked up as dog fighting is, there’s a reason for it. People can get a terribly sick thrill from it, and gambling is always a draw. There is none of that involved in this. Scumbag McDrunkfuck just did this shit for no reason other than he thought it would be fun. Because of what he did to the poor little flamingo, she had to be put down today. The worst part is that he probably doesn’t even feel bad. He’s been in and out of jail pretty much his whole life. Apparently was posting on his Facebook a few days before he attacked her that he was gonna get really drunk at a Rays game (who the fuck goes to Rays games?) and that if he got in trouble it would be okay because, “he’s never gone to jail in Tampa.” He was bringing his kids to a baseball game and practically planning on getting arrested. Everything about this guy is terrible. I hate him.
Rest in peace, Pinky the Flamingo, though. Pinky, a dancing flamingo, matters infinitely more than that guys life ever will. America is mourning her loss, but when he gets shanked in jail, no one will care. His kids probably won’t even care. His mother will probably be relieved. Pinky was a part of what makes America magical: we have famous flamingos. Famous flamingos who put on shows at events like the 2012 Republican National Convention. While we have things like that, other countries have Zika, socialism, and child soldiers. We have fun things. One drunk lunatic can’t take that away from us. Today we’ll mourn the death of Pinky the Flamingo, but also celebrate her life as a part of something bigger than any flamingo: America. She’s dancing in the clouds for Harambe now.