The Cubs Are Terrifying


It has taken me months to come to terms with the fact that I’m actually afraid of the Cubs. I’ve known the Sox were making the playoffs since at least July, but now that we’re actually here, in October, I’m realizing what has scared me the most this whole season. It hasn’t been the Sox not making the playoffs. It’s been the Sox making the playoffs and losing to the Cubs in the World Series.

I’m a firm believer in curses. Unfortunately, I’m also a firm believe in Theo Epstein’s ability to break curses. It’s been twelve years and three rings since he did it for us. I stay awake at night worrying that now he’ll do it for the Cubs, at our expense.

I’m an irrational fan who firmly believes my teams are going all the way every year. In August I was convinced the Redskins, who are unfortunately my favorite football team, would win the Super Bowl. They’re 2-3 and have yet to play a team that’s actually good, but I still feel like they could rally and make a legitimate run for the rest of the season. Take that level of irrationality and multiply it by ten. That’s how sure I’ve been about the Red Sox going all the way this season. And all of a sudden, staring down the barrel of my wildest dreams, I realize that the Chicago fucking Cubs could be the people who take that away from me. I’m telling you, I would sacrifice my first born (if only I had one) for Anthony Rizzo to get hurt. Not anything too debilitating, just something that would make him suck for the rest of October.

I’m not worried about any team in the American League because the Sox are something like (exactly) 31-26 against the other teams in the AL who’ve made the playoffs. And I’m sure the Cubs will make it all the way because they’re probably 50-4 against NL playoff teams. All I’m actually worried about are the Cubs. No one should ever have to worry about the Cubs.

My hope of all hopes is that Jon Lester and Theo are inside men over there for us, intent on delivering the Large Father one last championship before he can retire as the greatest of all time.


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